How to Say No
A bootcamp in Defiance 101
Hey friends,
Do you often find yourself agreeing to things you really don’t want to do? Or failing to share how you actually feel about something? Perhaps you’ve felt pressured to say yes to someone because they were in a position of power. Or maybe you’ve simply felt too scared to speak up for what you believe in because your feared the consequences. It can be hard to defy, especially when our relationships or reputations are on the line.
Lately I’ve been finding it particularly difficult to engage in defiance. It’s only March, but I’m feeling utterly exhausted by the tumult in the world. This fatigue has made it harder for me to stand up for things big and small in my everyday life. Healthy arguments with my friends—conversations I once found enjoyable and stimulating—now deplete me, and I resist them when possible. It honestly feels like my sole goal is to just maintain homeostasis: to keep the peace and to minimize stress. Some of this has been healthy (self-preservation FTW 🫠) but I suspect I’ve moved a bit too far in this direction.
This week on A Slight Change of Plans:
That’s why this week’s episode of A Slight Change of Plans has inspired me so much. It’s a conversation with
, a friend and former colleague who is a psychology professor at Cornell. She’s just come out with a new book called “Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes.” She offers a new, empowering definition of defiance that helps reposition it as a positive force: to defy is to act in accordance with your true values when there is pressure to do otherwise.Sunita says that “insinuation anxiety” is one reason we might avoid engaging in defiance. When we challenge another person, we run the risk of offending them. They might take our pushback as an insinuation that we don’t trust their judgment, or that we see them as lacking competency. Because we worry that they might react negatively, we decide to just go with the flow. I know I give in to this kind of anxiety all the time. On my wedding day, my makeup artist accidentally made me look an orangey color. (Even my reserved mother-in-law politely commented on the “strange” color of my skin tone). That said, I was simply unable to tell the makeup artist that I was unhappy because of what it might imply to her about her abilities. And so, I kept my lips sealed on what was clearly a high stakes occasion and have since kept our wedding album tucked in a place far, far away.
🧠 My Top Three Takeaways from the episode:
A big reason we don’t defy more is that we’re trained to comply! Sunita says that many of us are raised to be compliant from a young age. Since we were socialized to obey and were often rewarded for it, we never built a “defiance toolkit." In this episode, Sunita takes us through her 5-step Defiance 101 bootcamp, where we learn exactly how to defy. And I propose a sixth step, which, if you’re a worrier like me, you might find resonance in. :)
By defying more, we can more strongly connect with our values and learn what matters to us. This has been shown to have significant psychological benefits, including lowering our cortisol levels.
It’s easy to think about the costs of defiance, but harder to think about the costs of compliance. Sunita explains that when we constantly disregard our values and instead choose to acquiesce to others, we are putting ourselves into a state of chronic stress. This can lead to burnout, dissatisfaction, and even bodily inflammation. And so, when we’re on the fence about whether or not to defy, we should ask ourselves: what would we be sacrificing if we complied?
More Maya Musings:
📺 What I’m watching. I’m obsessed with “The Pitt,” a medical drama on HBO that chronicles a full day in an emergency room (each episode of the 15-part series features one hour of a single shift). Some doctors are saying it’s a more accurate depiction of their work than most other medical drama series. I’ve been awed by the diverse and complex set of health problems ER providers and hospital staff must confront on any given day. Within a single hour, they might treat broken bones, third-degree burns, drug overdoses, heart attacks, and psychosis.
Beyond being impressed by the doctors’ wide ranging medical expertise, I’d never fully appreciated how health care providers must also manage the psychosocial aspects of patients’ cases. What do you do when a patient arrives at your hospital and you suspect they might be a victim of human trafficking? How do you ensure that an unhoused patient continues to receive their psychiatric medications after leaving the ER? How do you deal with a belligerent and racist person in the waiting room? The show has been a real stand out, building my empathy and reverence for those who navigate these challenging environments day-in and day-out in service of others. So, a heartfelt thank you to all doctors, nurses, social workers, receptionists, security guards, and other hospital staff. ❣️
✨ One good thing. Last week, I asked you to share your “why’s” with me. One reader, Chris, shared the following: “I am driven to help others going through tough times. I was diagnosed with a rare disease at age 21 and it upended my life. It took several years to figure out how to navigate the changes that happened to me. When I'm able to help others avoid the missteps I made, that's when I feel most alive and purposeful. (With a bit of humor along the way.)”
What a beautiful and humbling mission statement. I love that he chose a “why” that he’ll always be able to offer others, even when his circumstances change.
Okay, here are your two prompts for the week:
Reflect back on your experiences with both defiance and compliance. What motivated you to defy or comply? Is there an experience you look back on with pride, or one that you regret?
What’s your one good thing this week?
I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below. And please make sure to subscribe so you can receive future posts. Have a wonderful start to your week!
Maya 💫
I used to be a complier and say yes to everything. But then I found I never had time to accomplish any of my priorities. Once I started thinking of the opportunity cost of complying, defiance became much easier. A yes is always a no to something else.
I've been saying no to a lot of things recently so I can finally finish my book. Especially meetings. If this was three years ago, I don't think I would have done that. But it's still hard.
Good thing: I'm so happy that we have an extra hour of daylight now. It's vastly improved my mood. And spring is Thursday.
Have a great week!
I too am exhausted from the weight of the world these days, and yet, defiance gives me energy, purpose and focus. Defiance is easier as I age and near retirement (I'm 67) and I always try to couple it with respect.