I was struck by everything here having been a competitive tennis player , a survivor, of a near death experience, and a mother of three – this post rings very true for me. Ironically, I felt found happiness both in and with my life after I lost so much – after my stroke, which was horrible. But 8.5 years later, I feel closer to being happy than I used to be.
Well, I often think about these deathbed moments not in terms of big accomplishments that cost me, but around the little things in my life — the daily happiness, the meaning of small gestures, and being aligned with my values.
What I’ve come to understand about these deathbed moments is that it’s not so much the big achievements that count when we evaluate whether we had a great life or not. It’s much more about how we lived and how we were with other people.
If we were true to ourselves and to our loved ones.
I find it very helpful to be more “in the moment” when making choices.
For me, the big picture isn’t about success. It’s about how we made people feel.
And of course, if my career can help increase how people feel… well, that’s even better.
I’m glad someone else has been pondering on the Carlos Alcaraz documentary, which I also plan on writing about at some point.
As with any question - I don’t think the answer is a binary “either/or” answer. There will be periods in our lives when we are more focused on “living in” happiness and periods where we are more focused on “living with” happiness (thanks for introducing those concepts!)
Accepting that we exist in seasons/cycles where one is more prevalent is more realistic than expecting a perfectly consistent striving of balance between the two extremes.
I distinctly know how you feel about your fantastic, worthwhile article of significance, Maya! Much appreciated! As for myself, I feel that happiness is different than fulfillment, no question about it. I am definitely fulfilled by the work that I do, as a Poet and a Writer, plus I love Positive Psychology and Poetry as my passion and my calling. I have good days when I feel happy, and hard days when it’s not as supportive because I am at Birmingham Green nursing home due to a number of medical conditions. Fortunately, I am in good spirits, plus I exercise four days a week and rest on weekends. I am extremely grateful for the new like-minded professionals in my life, and new friends alongside old friends on Facebook that I am connected with, nowadays. Much appreciated, and much deserved, Maya!
Hi Maya! This resonates deeply. I often think of the “pendulum” we swing between striving and simply living. And I’ve found in my coaching work—and in my own journey—that fulfillment comes not from chasing more, but from chasing what’s YOURS.
So many high achievers I work with are burning out chasing dreams that aren’t even fully theirs—expectations from their company, culture, or even family. The real shift happens when we pause and ask: What matters most to ME right now? What kind of effort feels worth it—to ME—at this stage of life?
When we make conscious, intentional choices—about how much we want to push, and what we’re pushing for—we can create a life that’s not only successful on paper, but also joyful in practice.
Maybe that’s how we balance and close the gap between being happy with life and happy in it.
I struggle to find happiness in my day; it's something I need to get better at. (I'm a work in progress.) I dwell on the day to day challenges and get ground down, and overlook the little wins taking place alongside the challenges. Overall, I am happy with the general direction of my life, but admittedly, a lot of my happiness is contingent on me achieving my goals and being able to make a living. Which isn't ideal.
This conundrum was like a stick shoved in the spoke of my e-bike wheel! Having spent so much time with my 97 year old Mum in the last year of her life I would say the burden of an un-lived life/ potential is heavy. BUT Mum also was remembered by everyone as being the best person ever to sit around and yarn over a cuppa.
It’s both. I think. Or did we all just buy into the work ethic/ hustle culture?
Yours, dismounted from her mental e-bike, still chewing the question over…
So interesting, I never really thought much about the difference between these two types of happiness and yet it's an important distinction. I have often struggled with being happy in my life and therefore have made it a point to consciously mark positive things that happen each day- no matter how small. I find that we (as a society) often focus on the destination and not the journey. When I can shift my thinking to the journey, I usually end up feeling more satisfied and feel less pressure. I would say my understanding of myself and my goals around happiness have shifted over time.
Hi Maya! I love your work. These 2 types of happinesses are an interesting distinction. I don’t have too many daily stressors but am trying to work out to be happy with my life as a midlife woman. I just started a blog too called A Better Light where I share reflections from psychology, neuroscience and faith on how to see our lives in a better light. Your questions are interesting ones to ponder!
Hi Maya. I love pondering your questions. As Wimbledon started today, I'll check out the Alcaraz documentary.
I think we all struggle with conflicting values, goals, achievements, and purpose - how we define them and recalibrate them over time. I listened to your Sahil Bloom interview yesterday. Great interview as always, I just felt an itch that something didn't quite sit right for me. I need to read his book. "The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life'
I just shared a post highlighting Dr Iris Mauss' work, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, found that people who were very intent on being happy paradoxically had lower levels of well-being, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and overall, lesser happiness.
For me, I'm happy with my life, in the general, meta view of no regrets, despite the seismic rollercoaster over the last decade.
I can point to times when I've felt happy in a retrospective, comparative sense. Perhaps, because I've experienced bittersweet paradoxical piercing joy in the darkest moments, I can't equate 'happy' with being more positive than negative emotions. Joy feels more precious and meaningful in its 'Both, And' sense.
I guess 'Happy' feels like it's been hijacked, like 'Wealth' as a goal.
I was struck by everything here having been a competitive tennis player , a survivor, of a near death experience, and a mother of three – this post rings very true for me. Ironically, I felt found happiness both in and with my life after I lost so much – after my stroke, which was horrible. But 8.5 years later, I feel closer to being happy than I used to be.
Well, I often think about these deathbed moments not in terms of big accomplishments that cost me, but around the little things in my life — the daily happiness, the meaning of small gestures, and being aligned with my values.
What I’ve come to understand about these deathbed moments is that it’s not so much the big achievements that count when we evaluate whether we had a great life or not. It’s much more about how we lived and how we were with other people.
If we were true to ourselves and to our loved ones.
I find it very helpful to be more “in the moment” when making choices.
For me, the big picture isn’t about success. It’s about how we made people feel.
And of course, if my career can help increase how people feel… well, that’s even better.
I’m glad someone else has been pondering on the Carlos Alcaraz documentary, which I also plan on writing about at some point.
As with any question - I don’t think the answer is a binary “either/or” answer. There will be periods in our lives when we are more focused on “living in” happiness and periods where we are more focused on “living with” happiness (thanks for introducing those concepts!)
Accepting that we exist in seasons/cycles where one is more prevalent is more realistic than expecting a perfectly consistent striving of balance between the two extremes.
I distinctly know how you feel about your fantastic, worthwhile article of significance, Maya! Much appreciated! As for myself, I feel that happiness is different than fulfillment, no question about it. I am definitely fulfilled by the work that I do, as a Poet and a Writer, plus I love Positive Psychology and Poetry as my passion and my calling. I have good days when I feel happy, and hard days when it’s not as supportive because I am at Birmingham Green nursing home due to a number of medical conditions. Fortunately, I am in good spirits, plus I exercise four days a week and rest on weekends. I am extremely grateful for the new like-minded professionals in my life, and new friends alongside old friends on Facebook that I am connected with, nowadays. Much appreciated, and much deserved, Maya!
Hi Maya! This resonates deeply. I often think of the “pendulum” we swing between striving and simply living. And I’ve found in my coaching work—and in my own journey—that fulfillment comes not from chasing more, but from chasing what’s YOURS.
So many high achievers I work with are burning out chasing dreams that aren’t even fully theirs—expectations from their company, culture, or even family. The real shift happens when we pause and ask: What matters most to ME right now? What kind of effort feels worth it—to ME—at this stage of life?
When we make conscious, intentional choices—about how much we want to push, and what we’re pushing for—we can create a life that’s not only successful on paper, but also joyful in practice.
Maybe that’s how we balance and close the gap between being happy with life and happy in it.
I struggle to find happiness in my day; it's something I need to get better at. (I'm a work in progress.) I dwell on the day to day challenges and get ground down, and overlook the little wins taking place alongside the challenges. Overall, I am happy with the general direction of my life, but admittedly, a lot of my happiness is contingent on me achieving my goals and being able to make a living. Which isn't ideal.
This conundrum was like a stick shoved in the spoke of my e-bike wheel! Having spent so much time with my 97 year old Mum in the last year of her life I would say the burden of an un-lived life/ potential is heavy. BUT Mum also was remembered by everyone as being the best person ever to sit around and yarn over a cuppa.
It’s both. I think. Or did we all just buy into the work ethic/ hustle culture?
Yours, dismounted from her mental e-bike, still chewing the question over…
So interesting, I never really thought much about the difference between these two types of happiness and yet it's an important distinction. I have often struggled with being happy in my life and therefore have made it a point to consciously mark positive things that happen each day- no matter how small. I find that we (as a society) often focus on the destination and not the journey. When I can shift my thinking to the journey, I usually end up feeling more satisfied and feel less pressure. I would say my understanding of myself and my goals around happiness have shifted over time.
Hi Maya! I love your work. These 2 types of happinesses are an interesting distinction. I don’t have too many daily stressors but am trying to work out to be happy with my life as a midlife woman. I just started a blog too called A Better Light where I share reflections from psychology, neuroscience and faith on how to see our lives in a better light. Your questions are interesting ones to ponder!
I just rode a long comment. I am not sure if it was posted. Could someone tell me?
Yes there is another comment from you, but not very long.
Hi Maya. I love pondering your questions. As Wimbledon started today, I'll check out the Alcaraz documentary.
I think we all struggle with conflicting values, goals, achievements, and purpose - how we define them and recalibrate them over time. I listened to your Sahil Bloom interview yesterday. Great interview as always, I just felt an itch that something didn't quite sit right for me. I need to read his book. "The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life'
I just shared a post highlighting Dr Iris Mauss' work, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, found that people who were very intent on being happy paradoxically had lower levels of well-being, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and overall, lesser happiness.
For me, I'm happy with my life, in the general, meta view of no regrets, despite the seismic rollercoaster over the last decade.
I can point to times when I've felt happy in a retrospective, comparative sense. Perhaps, because I've experienced bittersweet paradoxical piercing joy in the darkest moments, I can't equate 'happy' with being more positive than negative emotions. Joy feels more precious and meaningful in its 'Both, And' sense.
I guess 'Happy' feels like it's been hijacked, like 'Wealth' as a goal.