On Elevating Friendship
Let's reject its third-tier relationship status
Hi friends,
Back in 2014, my now husband, Jimmy, was weighing the pros and cons of two job offers. He had taught himself how to code while in law school, and after graduating, he was eager to carve out a path for himself as a software engineer. The first job offer was to work at a startup in San Francisco. The second offer was for a job at a small data analytics company in Washington, D.C. Most people in Jimmy’s life told him the choice was obvious: go out west and be in the center of Silicon Valley!
But Jimmy ended up accepting the D.C. job offer for a somewhat surprising reason: friendship.
Two of his best friends were based in D.C., and he wanted to actively prioritize his friendships in the next phase of his life. His parents were stunned by his choice. They could understand him making this choice for a significant other…but for his friends?
On an episode of A Slight Change of Plans, I spoke with the psychologist
about how we regularly deprioritize friendships—it’s typically seen as a ‘third-tier,’ bottom-of-the-totem relationship, especially when compared to categories like romantic relationships and family.But why? Marisa wants us to challenge this hierarchy, and I think we should, too. One of the most beautiful sentiments she shared with me is how friendships can expand our self-identities.
“I think each person that we interact with is an advertisement for the kaleidoscope of ways in which we can live,” Marisa says.
We might, say, feel more silly around a certain friend, or be more open and adventurous with another. “Each person that we interact with can bring out a new and different side to our identity,” she shares.
When we limit our focus to just our significant other, we see only the version of ourselves that happens to emerge with that person.
A seminal finding from research on happiness is that our relationships are the greatest predictor of long-term well-being and health. Some people hear that research and feel motivated to invest more in a romantic partnership or in their family, but what if we instead saw this finding as a call to action to invest more in our friendships?
You can start small. Maybe you add a weekly phone call with a friend to your schedule or start a group text with some old college friends.
To this day, Jimmy’s two friends continue to be among his closest. They have a wonderful bank of memories they still reflect on from that time. He has no regrets and, as a fun bonus, he and I would never have met had he not moved to D.C. 😉
Here are your prompts for the week:
What role does friendship play in your life and how has it evolved over time? Why do you think friendship carries a third-tier label? What steps are you taking to invest in your friendships and to prioritize these relationships?
I’d love to hear any of your reflections in the comments section below!
Maya 💫
Hi Maya,
Thank you for reminding us of the value of friendship. I moved to a small, conservative town some years back. I was none too happy about it (except for the lack of traffic). I was worried I wouldn't make any friends because I'm neither conservative nor religious. And then I remembered one of my values (accountability) and my personal mantra: Never give anyone the power to break your spirit.
With that, I took action. I created a women's collective called Femme Forte. We meet up twice a month, where I provide a themed, guided conversation that promotes honesty and laughter. We leave with a big boost of energy and sustainable joy, thanks to oxytocin and anandamide. For many years, I saw friendships as just as you said -- a third-tier priority. But today, I see them as one of the most vital, enriching gifts in my life!
I recommend this effort for anyone who wants to develop more meaningful relationships. I'm an introvert, so a lot of surface small talk drains me. What I've learned is that it doesn't mean I'm not social; it means I need to socialize on a deeper level than the average person. So what did I do? I found women who were created much the same, even if they didn't realize it.
Thanks so much for all you do!
I always try to reach out to my core group of friends at least once a year. (Not counting the friends I talk to every day). Maintaining these relationships has been a major benefit for both sides. It takes no effort to send a simple text, and yet it can lead to so many wonderful conversations. Without these ties, I don't know where I'd be, especially since I don't get out much anymore.